Last week my wife and I had the pleasure of joining over 400 others outside the PA Supreme Court in Harrisburg to show support for Diane Goslin, CPM. Diane has assisted women in delivering babies for 25 years in south-central PA. She had the dubious distinction of being selected by the Bureau of Professional and Occupational Affairs as a test case for their ongoing push to control every aspect of childbirth and women's health in PA. Since Americans long ago ceded control over "medicine" to the State, it needed only the redefinition of pregnancy as a disease and childbirth as a medical procedure to assert control over midwives and the mothers they serve.
But my reason for writing about the trip has nothing to do with midwifery. As we were leaving the Capitol, we were treated to a highly entertaining spectacle that was too good not to share. In front of a row of fountains a gentleman who appeared to be taking lessons in motivational speech stood at a podium with the distinguished banner of the PAGOP. Behind him about 15 assemblymen and senators stood in a semi-circle, mechanically clapping their hands and smiling artificially at a large array of TV cameras. Between the actors and the cameras stood about 50 chairs, of which 47 were unoccupied. The remaining three held news reporters, busily scratching on note pads whenever a particularly quotable breath of hot air chanced to escape the overwrought dignitary.
I couldn't resist stopping to listen - indeed it took some little self-control not to volunteer my own thoughts to such a receptive audience. It seemed that these gentlemen had been tasked with the responsibility of formulating an official response to the current hemorrhage of voters from the Republican Party. The solutions they had devised were now being communicated to the eager grassroots volunteers represented by the 47 empty chairs. They appeared to be immune to the shame and consternation one would expect from less brazen actors on finding themselves in an empty auditorium. One after another, they were introduced, stepped forward, cordially shook the moderator's hand, and expressed in their own simple way how excited they were to be Republicans in this election season.
I forgot to mention that behind the cameras, a group of overstuffed aides with flourescent light exposure syndrome stood waiting for the bosses to finish their charade. Each of them appeared to be memorizing the herringbone pattern of the suit in front of him, though some of them were probably just sleeping on their feet. As I watched and wondered, a pushy camera-woman prodded them to life and requested that they take up new positions in front of the camera, saying by way of explanation: "I need it to look like there's people here!"
I regret to say that I failed to conceal the combination of merriment and disdain evoked by this spectacle, and although the speaker pretended not to notice me, our initial eye contact seemed a little disconcerting to him.
Everyone needs a good laugh now and then.
P.S. I mentioned the above incident to my Dad, with the rhetorical question: "Who do they think they're kidding?" His response: "Everyone."
Maybe it isn't so funny after all.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Satire: Operation Chicago Freedom
Breaking news – Chicago: America’s second tallest skyline was blacked out early this morning after a multilateral coalition of police from Philadelphia, New York, Baltimore and Boston launched an all-out offensive operation to topple Chicago’s corrupt regime and capture or kill key organized crime bosses in the city. Philadelphia and NYPD SWAT teams moved into position around midnight in preparation for this morning’s assault. O’Hare International is in complete lockdown and traffic bound for O’Hare and other city airports is being diverted to other nearby cities. Firefights are currently raging around the airport’s main terminal building, as well as City Hall and several other public installations.
Mayor John Street of Philadelphia held a joint press conference this morning with the police chiefs of all coalition departments to discuss the war, dubbed Operation Chicago Freedom.
“The people of Chicago have suffered long enough at the hands of the corrupt and brutal city government,” he said. “It is high time for the freedom loving people of the nation to bring the leaders of Chicago and their Mafia partners to justice. We will not falter, we will not waver. We will succeed in our endeavor, and we will liberate the people of this great city.”
Several reporters displayed skepticism of Mayor Street’s explanation. “We all know Chicago has a problem with organized crime,” stated William Casper of the Washington Post. “But is it the prerogative of Philadelphia to unilaterally engage in city-building around the nation?”
Street brushed aside what he called “such a short-sighted view” of the problem. “Our intelligence sources indicate that the organized crime families in Chicago are directly tied to the city government. We have faced increasingly compelling evidence in the past few months that Chicago may be in possession of materials which could conceivably be used to construct chemical and/or biological weapons. Such a capability in the hands of a rogue city cannot be permitted. Chicago’s recent stockpiling of flu vaccines is only the latest in a long chain of evidence which leads us to believe that they may be preparing for a WMD attack on neighboring cities, perhaps even as far away as Cincinnati.”
The Mayor also dismissed criticism of Philadelphia’s actions as “unilateral.” “Our good friends in New York, Boston and Baltimore are entirely on board with us here. Chicago’s attempt to acquire WMDs, not to mention its practice of harboring and sheltering organized crime, is nothing short of an attack on freedom loving people everywhere.“
In a later press conference held outside Philadelphia’s City Hall, Street’s spokesperson, Ms. Barbara Thomas-Mezvinski, was equally confident. “The city of Chicago has repeatedly violated federal gun laws,” she said, emphasizing that a key reason for the operation was to force compliance with federal requirements. “At least 379 separate gun laws were broken in Chicago last year for a total of 13, 782 violations. So far, only 164 of these criminals have been brought to justice, and all 164 were minorities. Not a single Mafia leader has been jailed in Chicago since the last Mayoral election. Mayor Street was elected with a clear mandate to fight crime, whenever and wherever it appears. This is his job, and he will not shrink from the challenge.”
The Philadelphia City Council was divided over the operation. Several members expressed concern that such action, rather than strengthening Philadelphia’s position in Washington, DC, would actually result in further erosion of the sometimes rocky relationship between the city and the Fed. “We have no business overthrowing another city government without a clear mandate from the national community,” intoned Councilman Sam Katz. “This business is nothing more than a drain on the city’s resources and will be a source of keen regret later.”
But Councilwoman Pamela Brown disagreed. “Chicago has repeatedly thumbed its nose at the federal government, and is not well liked even within the State of Illinois. Philadelphia has a responsibility by virtue of our position as a respected leader in the national community to deal with threats to our citizens. We owe it to ourselves and to the rest of the country to protect our people from crime. In the past month, there have been 19 shootings in this city that are directly linked to Chicago crime families. We cannot afford to stand idly by at such a time as this.”
City Solicitor Anthony Capellini agreed. “If we let the Mafia take over this city and kill us all, then the Mafia has already won.”
Firefights between coalition forces and Chicago police are in progress in several parts of the stricken city, as helicopters circle over the central areas of town. Rumors are in circulation that Louis Capone, grandson of the infamous Al Capone, may already be in custody of the Philadelphia police. We will be bringing you periodic updates at this location, so stay tuned!
Echoes of Aberdeen is fully responsible for the contents of this post.
Mayor John Street of Philadelphia held a joint press conference this morning with the police chiefs of all coalition departments to discuss the war, dubbed Operation Chicago Freedom.
“The people of Chicago have suffered long enough at the hands of the corrupt and brutal city government,” he said. “It is high time for the freedom loving people of the nation to bring the leaders of Chicago and their Mafia partners to justice. We will not falter, we will not waver. We will succeed in our endeavor, and we will liberate the people of this great city.”
Several reporters displayed skepticism of Mayor Street’s explanation. “We all know Chicago has a problem with organized crime,” stated William Casper of the Washington Post. “But is it the prerogative of Philadelphia to unilaterally engage in city-building around the nation?”
Street brushed aside what he called “such a short-sighted view” of the problem. “Our intelligence sources indicate that the organized crime families in Chicago are directly tied to the city government. We have faced increasingly compelling evidence in the past few months that Chicago may be in possession of materials which could conceivably be used to construct chemical and/or biological weapons. Such a capability in the hands of a rogue city cannot be permitted. Chicago’s recent stockpiling of flu vaccines is only the latest in a long chain of evidence which leads us to believe that they may be preparing for a WMD attack on neighboring cities, perhaps even as far away as Cincinnati.”
The Mayor also dismissed criticism of Philadelphia’s actions as “unilateral.” “Our good friends in New York, Boston and Baltimore are entirely on board with us here. Chicago’s attempt to acquire WMDs, not to mention its practice of harboring and sheltering organized crime, is nothing short of an attack on freedom loving people everywhere.“
In a later press conference held outside Philadelphia’s City Hall, Street’s spokesperson, Ms. Barbara Thomas-Mezvinski, was equally confident. “The city of Chicago has repeatedly violated federal gun laws,” she said, emphasizing that a key reason for the operation was to force compliance with federal requirements. “At least 379 separate gun laws were broken in Chicago last year for a total of 13, 782 violations. So far, only 164 of these criminals have been brought to justice, and all 164 were minorities. Not a single Mafia leader has been jailed in Chicago since the last Mayoral election. Mayor Street was elected with a clear mandate to fight crime, whenever and wherever it appears. This is his job, and he will not shrink from the challenge.”
The Philadelphia City Council was divided over the operation. Several members expressed concern that such action, rather than strengthening Philadelphia’s position in Washington, DC, would actually result in further erosion of the sometimes rocky relationship between the city and the Fed. “We have no business overthrowing another city government without a clear mandate from the national community,” intoned Councilman Sam Katz. “This business is nothing more than a drain on the city’s resources and will be a source of keen regret later.”
But Councilwoman Pamela Brown disagreed. “Chicago has repeatedly thumbed its nose at the federal government, and is not well liked even within the State of Illinois. Philadelphia has a responsibility by virtue of our position as a respected leader in the national community to deal with threats to our citizens. We owe it to ourselves and to the rest of the country to protect our people from crime. In the past month, there have been 19 shootings in this city that are directly linked to Chicago crime families. We cannot afford to stand idly by at such a time as this.”
City Solicitor Anthony Capellini agreed. “If we let the Mafia take over this city and kill us all, then the Mafia has already won.”
Firefights between coalition forces and Chicago police are in progress in several parts of the stricken city, as helicopters circle over the central areas of town. Rumors are in circulation that Louis Capone, grandson of the infamous Al Capone, may already be in custody of the Philadelphia police. We will be bringing you periodic updates at this location, so stay tuned!
Echoes of Aberdeen is fully responsible for the contents of this post.
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